Getting Over it

It’s so funny to see that almost exactly a year ago I was in this same position. Hurting over HIM. I made a gosh darn play list just to get over him. A little ridiculous..

We ended working things out. Obviously.

However, here I am again. Broke up. Again. Same guy. Twice the pain.

I wish I could let him go. That is the hardest thing.I would have done almost anything for him. I became this person I had never been in other relationships. I wanted to be everything for him. I wanted to do the stupid domesticated things that I used argue with my ex’s about. I loved cooking for him and cleaning and going out of my way to help him. I’d sacrifice sleep, my lunch breaks, anything really if he needed me to. So weird because I was never that person before, ever. I tried to be fun. I would buy stupid things like a nerf gun and chase him around the house. I tried too hard to be perfect. That was my fault.

We all have mistakes and issues though so perfection is never attainable. We all have those hangups. I definitely have mine. I have never cheated (emotionally, physically). I have never done anything malicious. I almost everything based on how it would not only affect me but him. BUT sometimes we have our own insecurities. Mine aren’t that bad but sometimes his actions would magnify them.

Before him I was independent and confident. Not that I thought i was physically attractive but I was confident in my mind because I am smart. I am funny. And I genuinely care about people. I was confident because I think I am a good person. Like everyone else Ive had my heart broken. I caught my ex in bed in our apartment with another girl years ago and although I dumped him and moved on. That hurt, jealousy, and insecurity stayed and sometimes flowed into other relationships. I don’t act on it usually unless provoked. Of If I see things happen that seem “off”. That vision will forever by in my mind. It made me a little insecure about myself. About love about everything.

I met HIM and all that changed. I suddenly believed and felt love again. Years later. He was the real deal. And we were happy. BUT. I encountered things that were weird and “off”. When I confronted him, I suddenly was the crazy one. It just built from there. So here I am again, brokenhearted, dumped, and “crazy”.

I know I am not crazy. I know that a lot of my actions were normal. Most girls in my situation would have done the same thing. As a man, you should confront the situation and reassure the person you love of your intentions or the situation at hand. Not tell her is none of her business. Especially when you have talked marriage and kids with that person. Especially when you have been together for almost two years.

I have issues, yes. Easily fixed if worked on together through the simple art of communication. But I truly believe if you love someone enough, you stand by them and accept them. You hold their hand in the dark and the light. Because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship.

I am working on fixing my issues but I know that this inst all me. I can’t be perfect. Neither can he. But he is the one losing. He is the one who refuses to walk side by side together through the good and the bad. He has many issues but I loved him anyway. Even when everyone told me to run.

That’s the difference between him and I.

I care too much and I persevere. I’m loyal. I sand by my man even when I don’t necessarily agree with everything he does or says.

He hurt me. I am still hurting. This doesn’t phase him. He shows no sign of hurt. I know it doesn’t mean he isn’t but his actions say otherwise. He consistently reminds me for no reason that he isn’t my boyfriend.

Yet he wants to be friends and because I love him I agreed. He calls me throughout the day still. Calls me “babe” and tells me he loves me and I fall into it.

Every time.

I realize in it all I somewhat lost myself trying so hard to make him happy. It just was never enough. No matter how hard i tried and heaven forbid I had a human moment.

Some days I’m strong. Some I am not. Today not so much. I have nightmares. I wake up questioning if its real. and it is. Hits me like a freight truck sometimes. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about it sometimes. I just start to think about the life id pictured with him and how it’s gone.

I just try to remind myself that I am a good girlfriend. I am smart and I can get through this. My heart won’t ever be the same but it will mend. At the end of the day he taught me that I am capable of being in love and sharing all of me, with all my guards down, and that in itself is an accomplishment.

Still believing in Love. Taking it one day at a time.

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Songs for the Hurting Heart

Whether it’s a break-up, a fight, or your just secretly pissed off at your boyfriend or partner, I always seem to find comfort in music. It has a way to reach out to your soul and really resonate with how you feel. Whenever I go through this I am always looking for songs to relate to my situation, make me feel better, make me more angry, or make me feel like I can walk around with my head high and middle finger to anyone who brings me down. I think the Spice Girls used to call that “Girl Power”.

So short post but here are some songs that have helped me. As I continue to remember some I’ll add them. I hope these help you with whatever your going through. Sock it to um’. I hate curse words but sometimes they are appropriate in music and words of strength so…Wake up everyday and remember your a bad ass bitch that no one can fuck with and then don’t let anyone fuck with you. You don’t need someone to complete you, you need someone to accept you completely, so if they don’t put on a boot scoot them toward the door and swing that leg hunny. Don’t beat yourself up, your definitely worth pursuing so take the good times, learn from the bad, dress up and get your sexy little butt out with the girlfriends STAT. Pain makes you stronger, tears make you braver, a broken heart makes you wiser…and… if needed a glass or two of wine will make you forget about all that crap! ha but really face it with your war paint on.

I hope you find strength in the following! Remember you’re never alone in whatever you are going through! ❤

Songs (In No Particular Order):

  1. Mean- Taylor Swift
  2. Gone- Kelly Clarkson
  3. Remember That- Jessica Simpson
  4. Sucks to be you- Danielle Peck
  5. The One in the Middle- Sarah Johns
  6. Don’t Be Stupid- Shania Twain
  7. Emergency Room- Rihanna feat. Ray J
  8. Done- The Band Perry
  9. Dear John- Taylor Swift
  10. Miss Movin’ On- Fifth Harmony
  11. Stronger- Kelly Clarkson
  12. Don’t Hold Your Breath- Nicole Scherzinger
  13. Redneck Crazy- Tyler Farr
  14. I Belong to Me- Jessica Simpson
  15. Love Me for Me- Ashlee Simpson
  16. Ridin’ Solo- Jason Derulo
  17. I Just Wanna Be Mad- Terri Clark
  18. Hot N’ Cold- Katy Perry
  19. The Story of Us- Taylor Swift
  20. Fuck You- CeeLo Green
  21. All Falls Apart- The Veronicas
  22. Men Don’t Change- Amy Dally
  23. Tonight I’m Getting Over You- Carly Rae Jespen
  24. Goodbye- Kristina DeBarge
  25. Since you’ve Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
  26. Cry Me A River- Justin Timberlake
  27. Should’ve Said No- Taylor Swift
  28. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
  29. So What- P!nk
  30. Me, Myself, and I- Beyonce
  31. Never Getting Back Together- Taylor Swift
  32. Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
  33. Shot to Pieces- Skye Sweetnam
  34. Peace Sign- Amy Dally
  35. Mr. Know It All- Kelly Clarkson
  36. So Sick- Neyo
  37. Pray For You- Jaron and the Long Road
  38. Take a Bow- Rihanna
  39. Irreplaceable- Beyonce
  40. Picture to Burn- Taylor Swift
  41. In the End- Linkin Park
  42. Really Don’t Care- Demi Lavato
  43. Fuck It- Eamon
  44. I Can Do Better- Avril Levigne
  45. Girl- Destiny’s Child
  46. I Don’t Need A Man- Pussycat Dolls
  47. Who Knew- P!nk
  48. Everything I;m Not- The Veronicas
  49. So, So Long- Dierks Bentley
  50. Undo It- Carrie Underwood
  51. Consider Me Gone- Reba McEntire
  52. If I Were A Boy- Beyonce
  53. I Don’t Really Like You- Sky Sweetnam
  54. Deuces- Chris Brown
  55. L.O.V.E.- Ashlee Simpson
  56. Over It- Katherine McPhee
  57. I Knew you Were Trouble- Taylor Swift
  58. I Hate This Part- Pussycat Dolls
  59. Better Things to Do- Terri Clark
  60. I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor (Cheesy, corny, dance around your room in ridiculous clothes singing over-dramatically..)
  61. That Don’t Impress Me Much- Shania Twain
  62. Guys Do it All the Time- Mindy McCreedy
  63. Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
  64. Kiss This- Aaron Tippin
  65. Who Says- Selena Gomez
  66. Red High Heels- Kellie Pickler
  67. You’ll Think of Me- Kieth Urban
  68. Fire Starter- Demi Lavato
  69. This One’s for the Girls- Martina McBride
  70. Roar- Katy Perry
  71. Grow a Pear- Ke$ha
  72. Fly- Hilary Duff
  73. Innocent- Taylor Swift
  74. Hate (I Really Dont Like you)- Plain White T’s
  75. Fighter- Christina Augliera
  76. I Hate Everything About You- Three Days Grace
  77. Leave- JoJo
  78. Onto the Next One- Jay Z
  79. How I’m Doin- Dierks Bentley
  80. My Give a Damns Busted- Jodee Messina

Give Your Heart a Break

***This is almost a year old but I had to post it’s just too funny*

Well you actually probably have a little in common with Demi Lavato, your in your twenties, you have been through heartbreak. Truthfully, I am not a fan but love the song.

Do you ever find it amazing how a song can completely describe what you you are going through?

This particular post is going to show how dating after being newly single can be a little rough, especially if you have been out of the game for a few years. Once I was emotionally ready, I set out. Well, kinda. I actually sat there dumbfounded when I was thinking about the dating game. “How in the hell do you do this again?”

So you meet someone new, what do you talk about? How forward should you be ( I mean forward in a completely non-sexual way, I like to keep it classy (-; ). How vulnerable should you be and how guarded?

Ugh….sounds like a lot of work but a lot of fun!

Now is your time to learn from me. I tanked a recent date.

The Shiny Red Apple 

The most recent victim was beautiful like a big, juicy, giant red apple. So appealing.  Truthfully one of the hottest men I have dated in a long time. Imagine a life size Ken doll. See it?

Tall, dirty blonde, big muscular build (not like a gorilla though, you know those guys who bulk up so much they cant even put their arms down? Yeah- that’s a gorilla), athletic, great smile..Real…life… Ken doll.

Now don’t think I am shallow. I’m a definite personality girl and he had personality traits that I really liked but I am trying to create this beautiful person in your head to make you realize how easy it is to be nervous around someone super good looking. I mean I was more attracted to this guy than my last few boyfriends put together. Can you imagine the nerves yet?

“Never break a sweat for the other guys. When you come around, I get paralyzed. And every time I try to be myself, It comes out wrong like a cry for help. It’s just not fair.”

He made me so nervous. I have never been that nervous around a guy before…ever. I would get so mad at myself and say, ” I am in my mid-twenties this is high school bull what the eff is wrong with me!?” It seriously was crippling, I would try to talk myself out of it and every time I would get to see him my heart would practically jump out of my chest. Good thing girls have boobs because I swear if I was flat chested he would have noticed my heart pulsating through my chest when he talked to me. Phew…saved by the bubbies.

So An Apple Walks Into a Bar…or a Office

Not even the bubbies could help my dialogue though. The apple was just too pretty! I tried so hard to be me but I was so knocked off “my game” (if you can call it that) and I am sure I just sounded like a spastic, space cadet. He would walk away after our conversation and I seriously felt like i was in a movie, I would  turn around and make sure no one was around or wait till i got to the car or bathroom and do  the frustrated dance (picture Jim Carry in Liar Liar) and contort my face like child making fun of someone, when in fact I was making fun of myself for being plain weird. Sometimes I just had to laugh, shake my head, look up at God and say “what am I doing?!”

I guess it wasn’t too bad though because he did eventually ask me on a date.

“But you make me wanna act like a girl. Paint my nails and wear high heels”

I technically met him at a work function so he tends to visit my work a lot. He would come by my desk often and that is when we were able to talk the most. I always dress nice for work, I love fashion and being a girl so I am already making sure I look pretty for work. But as soon as he started coming by a lot, I am not going to lie, I stepped it up. Instead of curing my hair two or three times a week it became five and I started carrying ridiculous toiletries and extra makeup just to make sure I looked really good when he stopped by. Did I mention my reminiscent feelings of high school in all this? I did? Okay good just want you to know I know I was acting ridiculous, it was noted. I just couldn’t stop myself. It was almost like word vomit but for your appearance, I guess we can call it high maintenance. Ugh, I hate that label but that is seriously what I deserve with my “high school crush” like behavior. If I was a boy someone would have needed to throw cold water on me, like seriously..

Isn’t is amazing how good some apples look? What happens though when you bite into it though? How do you know that apple is going to be as sweet and juicy as it looks?

>>>> NOTE:

Year later, I never finished this post however the date went awful sometimes an apple can look really pretty on the outside but can be tart, bitter, and decaying inside. Don’t put them on a pedestal before they work for it and deserve it.

New Relationship, New Hurdles

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I still have an old draft sitting my dashboard from May..Epic fail. I will update the old one and post anyway but it goes to show how incredibly busy I’ve been.

Since May I have dated a few different guys, nothing serious until this past September. One of the men I had been talking to, became friends with, and got to know since the beginning of July finally bit the bullet. I had been seeing him exclusively since mid-August and although both of us were a tad scared and commitmentphobes (due to our last relationships) we decided it was the right time. He asked of course.

I waited patiently for him to be ready to ask. Something that was a big step for me. Usually I wouldn’t have waited and moved on. He has taught me a lot. Although i don’t want to give him all the credit. I think it is a culmination of getting older and realizing and accepting certain flaws and actively working to change them. Also, meeting the right person at the right time may also want to make you a better person.

He is a 32. Quite a few years older than me. A nice change from the young ones I’ve been accustomed to. He works in entertainment, similar to me. Crazy busy schedule, like me. Hardly any free time and the cherry on top…he lives 2 hours away. Lots of things working against us right?

It’s hard to explain that feeling when you “just know”. I know that he the man for me. Everyone always said it would be hard to explain and it is. It just kind of happens. Our entire story is like something out of a movie and so many things have worked against us, or happened that would/should have prevented us from being together. Between my awkward dating antics and innocent nature he should have ran for the hills long ago but here we are. Crazy, in love and see ridiculously happy with each other.

We definitely have had our roller coaster moments but some how we always seem to work it out. The distance is hard but the second we see each other its like the world disappears and there is only us. We cant stay mad. We talk things out and eventually we both concede.

In the past we both were people who stood our ground. Stubborn. Hard headed. It was as I treated my past arguments like “Mexican standoffs,” no one could advance safely and no withdrawals allowed. Once you were in, you were in.

With him, I fold. I get my point across, I forgive, I say I’m sorry, whatever the right, mature thing to do is, I do it and it’s EASY.

What!? Never in a million years would I have thought I become like this. Crazy how people change and how the right person can change you.

Things can be so easy but at the same time so hard. I thought with time the little things would work themselves out. I love him and I do believe he is the one but at what point is him being the one and me questioning his feelings about certain things become too much.

Sometimes he does things that make me question his commitment to it all. I definitely have way more experience in the relationship, commitment, living with boyfriends, knowing how to show people you love them kinda details. Alternate posts to follow. Weigh in for me!

00 ❤

LiloLoudly

The Love Hangover: Wide Awake in A Dream

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In a post not long ago I wrote about your first love and how hard it is to get over that one person that changed life as you knew it. 

The person that you saw yourself with the rest of your life. The person that no matter what happened, you knew they had your back. The person that you would have risked your own life for. It was that kind of butterflies, passionate, innocent, no walled, give-it-everything-you-got kind of love. You had created a different reality with this person, a reality that was like the best fiction novel. 

And then…

Sometimes life happens and you are quickly shaken and stirred and awake from this dreamy reality to find that person no longer there. You are left in a hangover. A love hangover. 

The hangover makes you see life through a filter too but it’s no longer what I like to call the “Walt Disney Filter” is now void of color. There is no life in what you see. You had invested so much into that one person that now, without them, you feel like 1/2 a person (anyone ever seen Halloween Town? Remember the grey spell?).

Eventually, you slowly start to get your life together and color starts to magically come back in, not all at once, but little pops. It then gets to the point that you see full color and can think about that person without going into a tailspin of sadness and what-ifs. However, in your head you may still think that if you had the opportunity to re-kindle what you had, you might just do it, despite any problems the two of you had you still might be willing to look past them and try again. Your still in the love hangover. 

In my experience and in talking to others this can last for years, depending on how long your relationship with that person was, how serious it was, how mature you were and how the split occurred. All of these each important factors in determining how bad that hangover is.

Is like the full sha-bang, with the light sensitivity, noise-sensitivity, throbbing headache, still feel drunk/ nauseated or is it the slightly nauseated can still go about my day just feel kinda under the weather but ill be better before the afternoon kinda hangover? 

In my case it was the full sha-bang. Even though I was the one who ended it. I ended because I knew it wasn’t healthy anymore. We both had become toxic to each other. I spent the next few years playing scenarios in my head of how I could have saved it. I was hurt, bad. I walled up my heart and soldiered on but couldn’t help but think about the what-if. 

I dated, found a new boyfriend, but in the back my mind I always wondered about the old one. I used to have dreams that we would get back together and I felt complete again BUT I always woke up and realized that i wasn’t complete and that part of me was still missing. 

Lately, I have been dating and most of my dreams have been about the new man that i have been seeing or the dreams have been about work or silly meaningless things that have little to no relevance. I truly believe however, that we have dreams that can tell us something about ourselves or others, that we need to see/hear and if only we would listen we would waken with new eyes and a new outlook on life. 

Not long ago I asked God to start helping me shape my life. I knew I couldn’t do alone anymore. I was damaged and beyond repair (at least beyond self-repair). I asked God to lead me in my career path, I asked God to help me find the person that was right for me (even though I was already in a relationship, sad I know), I asked God to give me strength in my friendships, my health and my emotions, and most of all help me get my heart healthy (emotionally). Help me to be open and let go of my past, particularly him.  We had a true heart-to-heart and I gave it all to God. 

As soon as I did that doors started open. I found the strength to leave my 2-year boyfriend that I had after my “walt disney” filter true love” ex mainly because I didn’t want to waste my new boyfriend’s time or my time, it wasn’t fair to either of us for me to pretend that he was all I needed and that I could see a future with him, because I truthfully couldn’t. I couldn’t fully give my heart to him and I knew deep inside he wasn’t the one. And I somehow mustered up the strength to let him go, even though it hurt him. God also listened to my request about my career path. I got all my acceptance letters to these amazing ivy league grad schools and got the offer to my dream job all within the same week.

You know how people say things happen when you least expect it? Isn’t it the truth. Sometimes I think we need verification to fully accept and express what our head and heart have finally agreed upon. Sometimes your head is smarter than your heart and they remain at a discord, causing you the love hangover, until the two can finally agree. 

Mine (head and heart) have finally reached agreement. I had a dream last night about him, that first “true love” that created my hangover. We were happy again. In fact we were getting married. In my dream I would see him smile and I would smile back, loving the feeling of seeing him again but it was different this time. My heart didn’t hurt or skip a beat like it used to. Throughout the whole dream I kept saying “I cannot go through with this wedding.” In the dream I told my mom, ” I love him but I am not in love with him. He does not have my heart anymore, this isn’t right. I cannot do this to him. I cannot do this to myself. I deserve more. I cannot settle mom, I cant do that.” Like the typical me my dream self tried to make it fit. I tried to continue to go through with the wedding knowing that my heart and head said no. I didn’t want to disappoint his family, who in real life, to this day,m I love very much, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

The point in the dream that made my dream self change my mind and call it off felt so real, it was like he was really right in front of me. We were exchanging wedding presents the morning of the wedding (I am not superstitious obviously), I was in pajamas and he was already in his tux. We were outside on this grotto with large green trees, long bladed grass, and a spanish type architecture that you would see in one of the best wineries in Napa Valley. Everything was green and vibrant. I could hear water fountains trickling and birds singing to a beautiful day. The sun’s rays were peeking through the trees attempting to reach it’s proper place in the sky as I walked toward him through the grotto, where in a few hours we we had planned to say our vows.

I walked up to him slowly. At first, all I could really see was the outline of his body. As I walked closer I could see his tux and his hands holding a small black velvet box but I couldn’t yet see his face. As the sun’s rays started to transfigure and adjust to my movements and distance, I was finally able to see his face. He looked back at me with the same deep passion, sincerity, vulnerability, and sincere love that we had all those years ago. His blue eyes sparkled with joy and happiness at the sight of my face. The happiness was so genuine it looked as though he was going to cry from sheer affection and joy. 

Looking at his face, I felt like I was in slow motion. The dream slowed down, almost like a movie.  Then he spoke. His words came out so gentle as he looked at me in adoration. “You are beautiful,” he said. I laughed, ” I am not even ready yet, I just woke up.” “I know,”  he replied, “but that is my favorite look, I am the lucky one, I get to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. Forever and always.” Forever and always was the phrase we had always said to each other since 2006, when we truly believed we were each other’s forever and always. Even though it was only a dream, hearing those words come out of his mouth tugged at my heart so aggressively but not in the way that it should have.

It was at this point in the dream that my heart had finally reached the clarity that my brain had had about 6 months after our real life break up. My hangover was no more. My heart wasn’t hurting because I was still in love with him and longing for him, it was hurting because I realized he was no longer what I wanted and needed in my life and I knew I would have to break HIS heart by telling him that I could not go through with this and that I no longer felt the love, passion, devotion, and relentless affection that I once had for him. The dream was becoming real to me.

in the dream, I explained it gently but clearly. He looked down at me, touched my face by sliding his thumb down my cheek as he held up my chin with the rest of his hand. He then leaned over and kissed my forehead. No words. 

My dream then fast-forwarded. The next thing I knew I was in the bridal suite packing my bags, feeling a sense of relief. In my dream he must of told me he would handle the guests, family and venue and that I could secretly leave without any confrontation from anybody because in my dream frame of mind I kept saying how sweet it was that he let me go unscathed, leaving no one to answer to. Facing family in that situation, even if it was a dream, would have been the hardest.

In real life I had always been the one who had to face our family, friends and acquaintances on his/our behalf if issues or problems would arise. I had to always stick up for him or fight our battles as he lay in the background, unscathed and unaffected by the hurt on their face or harsh words to my ears. I took the fall, always. I protected him. 

In my dream he protected me this time. As I packed my bag in the bridal sweet, I stopped and looked at the ring. Why I had it, I don’t know. I took the box and set it on the coffee table as I turned around, I woke up. 

In reality, I still have the real ring he proposed with, even though we never went through with our wedding. This dream was like the advil to my hangover headache. I could see so clearly again, almost to the point that I felt like I had never hurt. All the elements I need to tell myself that I had moved on and my heart is completely done were there. 

It is amazing how one little dream can say so much. 

I truly think God was showing me that it is okay to finally let go. That I can go on with my life and not feel guilty and not feel like I am not whole. My heart is full and ready to love again. 

However, God is teaching me a new kind of love. A love that is patient.

The love that I thought was so perfect, was so flawed. I was angry. I was too prideful. I put him down and he emotionally mistreated me. I held grudges. I was selfish. We hid things from each other. Although my things we small, I still hid them. He hid bigger things (disorders, addictions, infidelities). We had no trust. We broke up because my head was telling me that there was no hope left in us. My heart just took a while to catch up. 

I created this fantasy idea of this perfect love that we had but when I put it under the microscope it wasn’t perfect. I know I loved him, but not in the way that God had created love to be.

God is continuing to teach me how to love the right way. He is teaching me about a love that is selfless and triumphant. A love that is so much more mature than the love that I had once shared with who I believed was my everything. I am learning to accept and live the idea that “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”

I am no longer longing, I am learning. I am open to what God has in store for me. 

….

Never underestimate the power of a dream. 

 

Your First Fall: Forever Imprinted on Your Heart

 

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” You Never Fall in Love the Same Way Twice”

I met John in 2002. I was a freshman in high school. We were both the same year and I was the new kid. Being a small town, most of the students already knew everyone in their grade, so needless to say if you were new, you stood out. 

John was a string-bean looking boy and tall. He didn’t cling to the most popular crowd but still ran his own posse. Labeled as the “rich nerds” (who might-be-good-looking-if-they-could-put-down-the-computer-and-have-the-inspiration-to talk to-someone-outside-their-group) they really did not get much attention because they kept to their own. Although I saw some soon-to-be gems early, I was caught up in trying to run with the right people to get the RIGHT label. Oh, high-school social ladders.

I quickly started dating the QB of the JV football team (hey I was freshman that was the most popular guy in our grade, you know? ‘Cause that matters at 15..), mainly because all my “new” friends pressured me into it and he ‘seemed’ nice and I knew he would help me fit in.  So, it is mind blowing to me that I would find myself feeling butterflies with each look and be extremely in love with that string-bean looking boy by senior year. 

Knowing I was on a higher level of popularity I was really careful to talk to John at first. I did it in my free period when no one was around except maybe some of my close girlfriends and if I flirted I was careful to do it out of earshot. Before I knew it I decided to text him and ask him to hang out outside of school. I was nervous. He didn’t text back right away. In fact, he didn’t text back for about five hours. In a teenager’s world, even at 18, that makes you feel anxious and stupid. I wanted to retract that text so bad, until I got the “Of Course! i’ll pick you up on Friday at 7:00 p.m.” text. I about jumped out of my skin in excitement. 

After our first date it wasn’t surprising to me that we continued dating after high-school for almost 4 years. Our love went through trials and tribulations as well as celebrations and un-forgetful experiences of love and care, but that is a different story and a different blog.

Some may think our story is that of young love, as if it doesn’t continue to have an effect on you after it has ended. Even though some think we were too young to love, I think they are too old to remember what it was like.  I look back now, in my late twenties, and know that it was real. 

Studying psychology in college taught me how to separate and control irrationalities. I can tell you what emotions are healthy, what thoughts are self-destructing, when to let go, when to hold on, how to cope and when to bush things aside. However, I think there comes a point despite all your coaching, all your education, when your heart triumphs your rationality. At what point, when your heart overrides your rational thoughts, do you give in?

You always feel a connection to your first love, it’s only natural. There are so many other factors however that can leave you hanging on. After almost three years, I still find myself missing him. 

Although we have both moved on, I still find a piece of me stuck on what we used to be. He is a weakness for me. Sometimes I find myself listening to old songs we loved, closing my eyes and remembering the promises we made to each other. I used to feel so safe and loved in his arms.

I also think about the day I left. I remember the tears streaming down his face, promising that he would never let me go, that I would always have a place in his heart. He said he would love me forever and begged me not to leave him there alone. I know he felt his world crumbling but I felt like it was the right decision at the time. 

The effects of my decision hit long after they hit him and I was too late. Remaining friends was both a comfort and curse. It hurt to talk at times and I had never been a great actress so pretending to be happy for him in certain circumstances was hard, but I did it because I love him and I want him to be happy. 

We seemed to flip-flop with the hurt and the acting because I know it was hard for him too. We were both so intertwined in each other’s families, who both wanted us together. Sometimes your too young to understand what you have and you let it go, we were both at fault for that.

His quick rebound almost ended up in a marriage that was bound to fail. With supportive talks from me and his family (since we both communicated our concerns with each other at the time) he got out just in time. We flirted with the idea of getting back together but with me being in a new relationship that idea was a scary uncertainty. However John became perpetual word vomit in my new relationship, I brought him up all the time and the new guy still stayed around. Eventually my stories about John were less and less, as were our talks. 

I still see his parents in town, in random spurts. It’s hard to close the door on something that still makes an appearance in your life, especially when its telling you that they wish that we would re-kindle. I remain at a respectful distance, as does he. 

For a period of time, he probably thought I hated him. He would call and text and I wouldn’t answer. Out of respect for myself because it was just too hard. I worried we would start thing up again and then stop, as we always did, and I just couldn’t put my heart through that again. However, it took a lot of strength not call him. 

It is still a constant struggle. If he showed up on my door today asking me to try again, what would I do? That, I don’t know.

 I really want him to be happy and I cant help but wonder about him and his well being, I wonder if he is happy and succeeding in life. I wonder if he wonders about me but I am unwilling to open that door. After almost three years, I have to let go. 

“Your first love is the person you will always compare others to. The person that you will never truly get over, even when you have convinced yourself that you have moved on.”

Once you accept that this is something that is true, you can let go and be happy. We were a beautiful mess and It’s better off this way. Yes, you will still think of them. Yes, you will still cry at times but only until you find who is meant for you. 

I truly believe that you can never love the same way twice. He was my high school sweetheart. He has a part of me that I will never be able to give to someone else. I might find someone who I love more but not in the same way. Sometimes we just have to accept that certain people aren’t meant to be stars in the ongoing series of our life. Sometimes, they only make guest appearance for a season. That season may be filled with passion, drama, hurt, life lessons and memories that will forever haunt your story-line but the writers may have something and someone bigger and better who will not only make a guest appearance in future seasons but be your permanent co-star. 

I know he sometimes he wonders about me like I do him. That’s how I know it was real.